Rodney Dangerfield made Trump laugh uncontrollably – HT

 

 

 

You know how it is, I know I’m getting old. At my age, I want two girls at once, you know. And if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to.  [laughter]  WHAT’S NEW WITH YOU?     I ASSUME YOU’RE THROUGH.  [laughter]  THAT IS NO RESPECT THE DAY I WAS BORN. REALLY? No respect.

 The doctor picked me up and smacked me. I found out the nurse she got a few in, too. YOU KNOW.  [laughter]  MOST FOLKS GET UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT TO FLEX THEIR WINS, but Rodney he built a career out of airing his dirty laundry. He leaned so hard into his flops and family drama that he’d regularly make Johnny Carson lose it right there on national TV.

 Here he is, friends. He got his suit back just just in time.  And uh no matter what happens in his life, he gets absolutely no respect. Would you welcome Rodney Dangerfield? I told the cab driver I’d like to see the queen. He told me later on he’ll meet me for a drink. Weird people over there.  Weird.

 And drinking, that’s my big problem. Oh, I’m a bad drinker.  drinker. Oh, yeah. I’ll tell you the other night in Vegas, I got loaded Johnny. I shot dice, I lost a thousand bucks. I got even though I stole 400 Sweet’n Lows, YOU KNOW.  [laughter]  NOW, I’m a bad drinker, bad drinker, Johnny. I mean, when I drink, I don’t know what I’m doing.

 It’s like uh the next day and I end up usually wake up in some strange place with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.  [laughter]  Johnny Carson, a man who almost never gave out courtesy laughs, had to admit Rodney Dangerfield doesn’t just tell jokes, he kills. And heaven is looks back at me.

 Today, you’re going to get it good, you know. You’ll be drinking early today.  [laughter]  And I don’t want to drink cuz I’m a bad drinker. I’ll tell you that, Johnny. When I drink, the next day I got to do two things. I got to try and locate my car and I got to bring back the car I took. I mean, I’m a bad  [laughter]  Remember that one? YEAH, SURE.

 OF COURSE I DO.  [laughter]  Of course you do. I mean, I wet my bed. I I don’t know. Bring on the next guy. I don’t KNOW WHAT I’M     RODNEY DANGERFIELD WEAPONIZED HIS FAILED MARRIAGE. His punchlines were like stiletto blades and Johnny Carson lost it right there on air. I’ll tell you what, my wife I never got no respect, no respect at all, you know.

 We were going steady, she told me don’t talk about sex until we get married. We got married, she told me now I can talk about it all you want. But with cigarettes, my wife and I we made a deal, my wife and I. We only smoke after six. I got to save pack now since 1975.  [laughter]  What bothers me is my wife.

 She’s up to three PACKS A DAY. TRUTH IS, MY WIFE AND I WE NEVER HAVE SEX. NOW, we get undressed, we can’t stop laughing, YOU KNOW.  [laughter]  BUT I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, WHEN MY WIFE does have sex, she screams. Oh, especially when I walk in on her. Woo.  [laughter]   Now, you can I know my wife cheats on me.

 Every time I come home, the parrot says, “Quick, out the window, YOU KNOW.”  [laughter]  RODNEY WAS THE ONLY GUY WHO COULD TAKE getting slapped by a doctor at birth and spin it into a two-year case of abandonment. Now, that’s not easy. I got no respect the day I was born.  Really? No respect. The doctor picked me up and smacked me.

 I found out the nurse she got a few in, TOO. YOU KNOW.  [laughter]  ONLY RODNEY COULD TAKE A PEEPING TOM HEXING him mid-act and turn it into a badge of honor. I caught a peeping Tom booing me. Now, I’ll tell you Johnny, girls who like me are getting older and older, older and I took out one girl, oh she goes, she was old. I’ll tell you how old.

 She was so old when she went to school, they didn’t have history. She was fat, too.  She was fat? Fat so fat she got on the scale, a card came out said, “One at a time.” I’ll tell you, this girl was old, fat and ugly.  Yeah, ugly, too. How ugly? I’ll tell you, she was so old she was known as a two-bagger. That’s a girl who’s so ugly you go, “I would tell you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

”    She was so ugly. How ugly? You look in a dictionary under the word ugly, YOU SEE HER PICTURE. IN LESS THAN 20 SECONDS, HE flipped the script going from a smooth-talking gunman to the most luckless man alive. What was that? Oh, I go out with a girl, I just whisper gently in her ear, “I got a gun.

” That wins them over, does it?  Oh, yeah. Now, I’ll tell you what, girls I’m never lucky, Johnny, never. You know that. You know what? I went out and bought an inflatable girl. I got her pregnant. When Rodney starts talking about car parts, you’d better not take him literally because the reality is always the exact opposite.

 I’ll tell you a book the book was a sequel to the book the very first the book the doctor’s very first novel.  He had another novel?  novel, yeah. Which is all about togetherness and exercise.  Oh.  Entitled Push-ups Can Be Exciting.  [laughter]  I think I read that one. You read that one? Read that one.

 He got six months for that, didn’t he? I got six months for that one, yeah.  [laughter]  Well, you should be  I’ll tell you, Johnny, you carry spark plugs and points, you’ll never have trouble with your car, never. Never. How are your points?  Plugs and points are THE WHOLE THING. [laughter] MY PLUGS ARE OKAY, I GOT a problem with my points. I’ve heard that.

But spark plugs are very You got it’s hard to get good spark plugs today. Oh, it’s hard. Really? Oh, you know what they say about spark plugs. Turn them upside down, they all look alike.  sure they do.    Ah, you’re right. Think you’ve got the worst luck with ladies? Rodney Dangerfield would give you a serious run for your money.

And this GIRL WAS NO BARGAIN, EITHER. She was fat.  FAT, HUH?  [laughter]  HOW FAT? WHEN SHE WEARS HIGH HEELS, SHE STRIKES OIL.  [cheering and applause]  Rodney had such rotten luck that even establishments meant to treat you like royalty wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.

 You know the trouble with me? I appeal to everyone who can do me absolutely no good.   [laughter]  But the other day I went into McDonald’s. They told me I don’t deserve a break.    Burger King, they looked at me, too. They said, “NOT YOUR WAY.” RODNEY’S GOLDEN YEARS WEREN’T ANY EASIER.

 He just had less hair while his misery kept going strong. I’m still trying to find a right woman. Are you kidding me?  Really? Love, love. I’m looking for love is tough, Johnny, tough to find a right woman. Are you kidding me? Yeah. And love, what is love? Love’s an extension of life. And lust? Lust is an extension. Now, Johnny, I’ll tell you the truth, I got no sex life.

 I’m getting old, old, old. Are you kidding me? And when I say it’s down 40°, I’m not talking about the weather, you know. Things are that bad, huh? Ah, it’s all over, Johnny. I got no sex. I went to a nude beach, they told me to park in a handicap section OF THE BEACH.    YOU KNOW, I’M GETTING OLD, OLD. YOU KNOW, I walked into a sperm bank, they thought it was a hold-up, you know.

Ultimately, Rodney didn’t just do comedy, he simply shared the raw, messy truth of his life and brought the house down leaving even Carson in stitches. Now, it’s your turn. Which of Rodney’s classic bits was your favorite? Drop a comment and let us know.