Jonathan Winters’s Top 50 Jokes Of ALL Time! – HT

 

 

 

You know, the toughest thing to do is uh is eight glasses of water a day.  Well, you’re not doing that, are you?  Really keeps you on the go.  You to start out saying, you know, discussing something and say, “Hey, see you in a minute.”  Jonathan Winters perfected the art of turning any situation into comedy gold.

 And I was setting up the train cuz dad was resting. I was told he was rest. He rested for the first seven years of it was like this. How you doing? These are Jonathan Winter’s top 50 jokes of all time. Accidentally glued his cat to the floor.  I uh had a thing happen. I was painting um the other night and some glue spilled on the floor and I forgot momentarily.

 I phased out, you know, you know, just just phase out. And uh here was glue just all over and my cat came down. I noticed Kitty was quite still. So I said uh I said, “Come on, Tiger. Come on, Tiger.” That’s that’s his name, Tiger. And Tiger’s just like this, you know. And I looked down at his little paws and he was in quite hard in the glue.

 You know, I’m strong. I can get out of it. I said, “You just make up your mind. You’re going to get out of that glue.” But I had to I had to give him some help.  Yeah. So, um, left his paws, but uh,  Winters turns a small household mistake into a full disaster story, adding little details until the whole thing becomes completely absurd.

 The Marines didn’t know what to do with him.  Uh, I was always disturbed because I didn’t know where I was. And unless you’re an officer, you see, you’re not clued in and you’re not given the the top papers, which I felt I should have had at least one or two papers. And uh I kept asking questions, which is always trouble, running up to a captain, you know, or a colonel like yourself and saying, “Where are we, sir? None of your business.

Move out.” And I was always moving out. Uh I was frightened a great deal of the time. Uh I was frightened of the guys. I uh I didn’t understand a lot of them. They didn’t understand me. I was kidding all the time, you know. I being grandma one minute and hi honey. You know,  military discipline becomes impossible the second Jonathan starts explaining why he didn’t fit in, making the Marines seem unprepared for a recruit like him.

The prop improv explosion.  Millard Settlinger. Millard Settlinger. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s our great pleasure to talk with the only living American ex-president, Millard Settlinger. Mr. president. And I understand that you are always Mr. President, even though of course you are now out of office. I  Oh, yeah. That’s that’s standard.

 You know, it’s like a man is a colonel or a general, you know, he’s always a general.  Uh-huh.  Does uh does Mrs. Settlinger refer to you as the president or does she call you Millard?  She’s in the basement a lot. Jonathan’s prop work shows why other comics treated him like a different species, making nothing items feel like they’ve been waiting backstage for their big break. His parents like to drink.

Mother, it’s me. You know, and her eyes were not Vaseline at that time. And uh I said, “Johnny, your son, I see you. I see him.” So it was a very demonstrative family and um ran to a lot of the uh the minorities would run and grab grab each other but boy when you’re full Caucasian a lot of times it’s back off you know so full Caucasians are like yeah I know what you mean.

 So, uh, and eventually she grabbed me, the bottle dropped, you know. Oh, nice hi, sweetheart. Is you? And, uh,  Jonathan talks about his parents drinking with a strange mix of nostalgia and disbelief, reconstructing an entire childhood atmosphere where adults behave like cartoon characters. Why Winters quit drinking.  He said, “You’ve been drinking.

” And I said, “You know, officer, I have.” I said, “I’m so glad you stopped me.” I said, “I I I just uh just experienced an earthquake uh about uh 20 miles back and the bridge collapsed. I had to drive around.” I gave him a story. I told him an earthquake, an electrical storm, saw a plane land in a field, and all the time the guy’s just doing this.

Wonderful. Very funny. Very funny. And u gave me a check. Uh not a check. Jonathan’s quitting drinking story has a funny edge because he refuses to turn it into a neat inspirational speech. Winters struggled in school.  I don’t say I I was kidding. I was kidding.  What were you like in school? Were you  What was I like?  Were you disruptive? Were you a  No, I wasn’t.

 I was Now,  most people would think you’re crazy.  I know that. Well, they do today.  Yes.  Uh but years ago, I was a very normal child. Too normal probably. I wasn’t making any money. Uh no, my parents were divorced. I won’t go into a long thing in difference to they’re gone anyway, but sorry.  Uh the thing was that uh dad was off, you know, somewhere in an open field or settling insurance policies near a creek bank.

 And so I school becomes another place where Jonathan’s imagination refuses to sit still, making the classroom sound less like a place of learning and more like a room trying to survive. Christmas parties turn into combat.  You have been in the past been to Christmas parties. Both of us been to Christmas party years ago where we had, you know, more than  Well, where we had to crawl out, you know, on our hands and knees and try to make out where the car is.

 Yeah.  It’s embarrassing to spend a whole evening, you know, where my car,  Mr. Winters, don’t you know? No, I wouldn’t have said that. I No.  What kind of car is it? I don’t know that.  Or if you brought one. The real car is a is a black car  now with the tires.  Yeah, for this time of year.

 Now,  Jonathan takes Christmas parties as a safe and friendly subject and makes them sound like strange little survival missions. The toy train electrocution story  and uh we were not wealthy. We were wealthy, but it was taken in about an hour and uh instantly went to wood toys. So, uh things like broomsticks, you know, with carb faces on them.

 So, stockings were filled full of just walnuts. And that’s a bummer, gang. You know, stuck in full bull walnuts. Another one. Another one.  Jonathan’s toy train story turns a childhood toy into a little machine of pain, selling it with complete seriousness, eating barbecue ribs when he won an Emmy.

 Um we had um we had a choice one choice of going to a fella’s uh house uh to have ribs and uh thought I’d say his you know no um but we had uh they were marvelous ribs hands stuff and that and then we sat down and watched there were about 12 or 14 of us and then they announced it and I saw the picture of myself the still and uh there no explanation you know where is you know, they can say a lot of things and I was in just a a house with other people and ribs.

 So, um,  winning an Emmy should sound glamorous, but Jonathan turns it into a messy food story, making a major career honor arrive while he’s in the middle of something completely unpolished.  But it was a big I asked and then the following day I said, “Where is the award?”  That’s right.  And uh, somebody said, “Well, since you weren’t there, you don’t get it.

”  Was that your wife again? No,  Jonathan’s in a league of his own.  All right, General uh Richard Discord,  you can call me Dick.  All right, Dick.  Good ball player. Always does this.  Yeah. Works the bill.  Yeah. If it’s like this, he’s a truck driver. If it’s like this, he’s been hit by a truck.

 Oh, Wayne second face.  Wayne Wayne Face.  Wayne second face.  What do you What do you call home, Wayne? Uh, Wales. No, I’m kidding. Uh, we’re Wales to descent. All people are from Wales originally in Scotland  and also Istanbul.  Yeah.  Johnny barely has to guide the segment because Jonathan walks in carrying his own universe, becoming a soldier, neighbor, old man, salesman, or confused witness.

 Robin Williams and Jonathan Winters collide.  We were drunk this time.  Well, great to be here.  Nice to see you. My god.  Nice to be here.  How goes the battle? Well, uh, pretty good so far. Um, made it across into Van Eyes. Uh, that one shoulder took us out. Uh, gosh, I was so taken with this guy. I was when I first uh first met him and on Morgan, Mindy, we we did we we had a marvelous time.

 Those were good days. On Carson at Jonathan and Robin Williams together feel like two runaway trains somehow sharing the same track with Jonathan’s strange stillness. Changing the room with one odd look. Mor and Mindy Memories with Robin Williams.  I noticed the stuff wore off tonight.  But college fun.

 Mr. Williams didn’t know you in the days when you and I.  Yeah. When we were having a new  Well, yeah. We Johnny and I uh  Can we have those blocked for you?  We I’m sorry. Could we have those sent on clean for me?  It was easy getting them on.  And now here, you want to play with those?  Oh, yeah.

 This way I I won’t have so much guilt.  The Mor and Mindy discussion turns into more than nostalgia because both men keep slipping into performance mode, making memory wobble with little side voices. Winters with Robin Williams and Park Overall. Well, we got a lot of state parks of course  and I’m in those parks and I  I enjoy that look on an animal.

 It’s funny. They go and the guy guy goes into dog land.  Your dogs are a little old though to breed. I mean, they’re probably  I would never think breeding them. No, never because they’re too too strange.  Yeah.  The 1991 couch segment has a late era Carson Tonight Show feeling that could go off the rails with Jonathan’s interruptions arriving like strange little grenades.

 Winter’s Letterman interview turns into chaos.  But as for Lamar, and he’ll get you in. I don’t think he’ll get you onto the track.  No, we don’t want.  How much gas did you want?  We We need to fill it up. Fill it up. Low lead.  Yeah, that’s good.  Cuz I can’t read or write and I have to ask the person. I’m an illiterate, but I have a good outlook on life.

 God bless you.  Thank you very much. And we’ll stop in again.  Okay. And this is was that the Mrs. with you?  Yeah.  Boy. Hi, honey.  Letterman gives Jonathan a different kind of room than Carson. And Winters adjusts instantly, turning empty space into a playground for half-formed thoughts and sudden voices.

 Letterman viewer mail with Robin Williams.  Not a long story, very brief story. long stay but uh brief entry re-entry I I came here actually David from Ohio with $5646  and was married and still married had one child now I have two children uh time you know you go along you have to keep active and so um I uh  so you had the second kid just something to do huh settled with two other guys down the village  who were okay and um I guess still are And uh  viewer mail becomes dangerous when Jonathan and Robin are both allowed near

it as Winters treats every question like an excuse to become a completely different person. Mark Twain prize acceptance speech.  Uh and this high the chandeliers my wife said could we get one?  Jonathan’s award speech refuses to behave like a normal tribute moment undercutting the seriousness with stray jokes, odd pauses and little character turns. Vacation People with Dean Martin.

Could you tell us your your name, please?  My name’s BB Bendlestep. Own about 35 or 40 companies. Quite a wealthy man.  Jonathan turns vacation stereotypes into moving targets with Dean Martin as the perfect relaxed counterweight. While Winters keeps inventing increasingly odd versions of travelers,  41 years, tiny little woman, but uh fast on her feet.

 And uh  Winter’s airline passengers skit.  He’s rude, Margaret. I like air on the on the television.  Air travel gives Jonathan a perfect setting because everyone is trapped, anxious, and pretending to be normal, turning passengers into strange little studies at the bar with Dean Martin  outside of Willard, Illinois.

 I’m staying at the Stony Bridge Motel. I haven’t look I’ve had a few drinks. Okay. Okay. Yeah. The bar sketch gives Jonathan a setting where almost any strange character can walk in and still make sense, making it a place where lonely men, big talkers, and delusional customers all seem waiting for their queue.

 New Toys with Dean Martin  and I have been married some 36 years. We’re both of Norwegian descent. Families used to repair sardine nets. New Toys lets Jonathan act like a child salesman, inventor, and confused parent all at once, treating every toy like it has a dangerous backstory. Winters with Dean and Maud.  I don’t know.

 Well, what’s your pleasure?  Well, if I told you that, we’d be off the air.  Ma Frickard gives Jonathan a perfect disguise for controlled nastiness as the character becomes a complete worldview built out of judgment, flirtation, and blunt timing. Ma Frrick buys a TV.  No, what I meant was on the tradein, I I I meant the TV set.

 Here, let me show you one of our new models right here.  Oh, mercy. Lucy’s hair is on fire. A simple television purchase becomes a full character piece once Ma enters the store, making customer service comedy feel personal as every question becomes a chance to judge. The Lwood P. Sugggin Show.  Take a seat right there. Okay.

 Is No, no, no. Over here. Over here.  Said take it.  Well, Lwood P. Sugggins is funny because Jonathan plays him with total rural confidence, speaking like he’s never doubted a single thought, even when the thought makes no sense. He doesn’t make Elwood a simple dumb character, but gives him pride, suspicion, and sideways intelligence. Elwood talks about racing.

 My dad says, “First thing you want to do is take the guy out, and so I took him out and and won the race.”  Racing becomes much stranger once Elwood starts explaining it. As Jonathan takes a subject that already has noise, speed, and risk, then filters it through a man who sounds like he learned everything from a county fair argument.

 Elwood interviews a racing figure.  Tore the field up real good.  Yeah, it did. That was a kind of a quick landing and a quick exit.  Putting Elwood in an interview format makes the joke sharper because he suddenly has authority. He shouldn’t have turning an interview into a personal ramble without noticing.

 The wacky world with Pat Boone. Jonathan’s wacky world format gives him permission to make television feel like a sketchbook with Pat Boon bringing polished variety show calm while Winters brings disorder. The Wacky World with Bert Reynolds.  You know, I wanted to ask you something, Mr. Shadinger.  I’m getting sick of you.

 Bert Reynolds gives Jonathan a strong straight man because Bert can laugh at the chaos without getting swallowed by it, letting Jonathan go further without making the scene feel uncomfortable. Orson Wells introduces Winters on Wacky Worlds. Renee here. I’ve got a photo session this afternoon with Renee.  Rene’s dead.

 Renee did a wild thing.  An Orson Wells introduction gives Jonathan’s silliness a grand frame, making the contrast funnier as the show presents absurdity with the formality of an important event. Ricardo Montalban improv sketch.  And your tribal chief has a toothache.  Open up your face. Let me see you.

 Ricardo Montalban gives the sketch elegance. And Jonathan immediately finds comedy in the difference between elegance and nonsense, letting the scene become slightly stranger with each exchange. Dick Martin sketch from Wacky World.  Well, uh, I don’t want too much off the top, but  No, no, I uh  Dick Martin’s dry style gives Jonathan a different kind of partner as Martin can sit inside absurdity without trying to explain it, leaving Winter’s free to keep escalating, roasting Frank Sinatra.

 I just I just call him Frank, right? and uh uh Samaritan man here. What’s your  Jonathan’s Sinatra roast stands out because he doesn’t rely on cruelty bringing odd phrasing sideways images and a sense that the joke might wander into another county. Best of the Dean Martin show. Don’t worry about it.

 Don’t worry about it. I I never I never thought I’d be shot in the bathtub. That’s all. The Dean Martin show was a perfect home for Jonathan because it welcomed loose sketch energy as Winters could enter a bit as one type of person and leave as someone completely different. The Jackpr show appearance.  Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

 Ah, you devil.  Jackpr’s show gave Jonathan an earlier late night stage where his oddness felt even more unusual as he sounds like a guest who might answer the question or become someone else entirely. Par’s style lets the conversation feel more literary, making the funny moments sneakier.

 What’s my line panel appearance?  All right, as you know, panel, a different form of questioning now. One question at a time. In turn, moving clockwise, and we’ll begin with Darth Gilg.  What’s my line? Gives Jonathan strict rules, which makes his personality even funnier as the format asks panelists to be polite as well as controlled.

 What’s my line with Arthur Godfrey?  Are you a young man? comparatively young.  The Arthur Godfrey episode places Jonathan in a room full of polished television manners, making every odd pause and strange question feels sharper as he seems capable of turning even a yes or no question into a performance. Audience questions with Carol Bernett.

 Questions for Jonathan?  Yeah.  Yeah, constantly.  I lost a lot in my ears. Audience questions give Jonathan a perfect launching pad because he never has to know what’s coming. Treating each question like raw material for a mini character piece. Barbara Eden and Jonathan on Carol Bernett.  Oh, wonderful. Give us a little kiss.

 Not tonight. I have a headache. Barbara Eden brings a clean television charm that gives Jonathan another polished surface to disrupt as he uses that freedom to lean harder into physical expression and exaggerated character behavior. Dian Warick and Jonathan Winters on Carol Bernett, a variety show with Dion Warick could easily lean polished and musical, but Jonathan adds a completely different current, making his comedy feel like it wandered in from another room.

 The Tim Conway show matchup.  Not riding a horse yet. How are you, young man? Good. See you in the garden.  Tim Conway and Jonathan Winters together create a quieter kind of danger than Robin Williams as Conway is sneaky and patient while Winters can suddenly open 10 different doors. The comedy comes from watching two masters of character timing refuse to rush.

 Candid Camera Gold with Jonathan.  This iron because it’s more expensive than most of them are. I purposely bought them cuz I figured I was getting a good product. Candid camera works for Jonathan because hidden camera comedy already lives in awkward reality as Winters makes that reality feel even more unstable, appearing like a normal participant, then revealing strange internal logic.

 Winters and the Smothers Brothers,  big shoulders, tiny waist wrapped in elephant skin, and he’s  The Smother’s Brothers setting gives Jonathan a slightly sharper counterculture edge as their show could handle odd timing, strange interruptions, and comedy that didn’t behave like a standard variety bit. The working with Bob Hope story.

 Hope came out with Barbara Waters and she hit him with the Forbes book and said you’re worth 850 million and uh or close to a billion dollars and he’s then she said no $850 million in about Jonathan’s Bob Hope story is funny because it places him beside one of the most controlled joke machines in comedy history making the humor come from hearing him describe that contrast without turning it into a lecture.

Winters explains Ma Frickert. I decided to get a hippo lady. And you could say it’s like Gerald Dean and Flip Wilson.  When Jonathan explains Maud Frrick, the funny part is that the character still feels alive even in discussion as he talks about her like she’s not just a voice, but someone he had to manage.

 His descriptions reveal how closely he watched older people and turned their rhythms into comedy. Jonathan’s advice for aspiring comedians.  Um, no, I would say this. something I didn’t do that had I known this I would have had some big reservation if you’re going to go into this business.  Jonathan’s advice to comedians is funny because he can’t completely stop being a comedian while giving it making comedy seem like something you survive observe and then twist into your own language.

Winters draws from real life people  rednecks but they the guy for instance I went home one one time long after I made a success of myself and uh had some pretty decent exposure in movies when  Jonathan’s real life inspiration stories reveal why his characters felt so specific as he didn’t build them from generic funny voices but watched people store their odd habits and brought them back later.

 Winter’s funny bits between takes.  How was I? Why do they ask that question? How was I? because the lady says Paul and Carl and Brad were better.  Between takes, Jonathan often seems funnier than most people are during the official performance as the lack of structure helps him follow whatever strange impulse appears first on the loose documentary moments  up there.

 Gertrude, this mule’s never been taken advantage of.  Not by a human. On the Loose is useful because it gathers the different sides of Jonathan’s comic personality in one place. As the funniest moments aren’t always framed like formal jokes, but come from sudden character memory or sideways comment.

 The documentary format gives more context to why his comedy felt so uncontrolled while still being deeply shaped by observation. A Wild Winter’s Night.  Hi there. Would you like to show an old swinger some of the sights, little soldier? Oh, goodies are happening all over my body.  A Wild Winter’s Night captures Jonathan when television was still figuring out how to contain him.

 As the special format lets him move through characters and ideas without the tight limits of a talk show answer, Jonathan Winters proved that the wildest comic minds don’t need written jokes. Because he spent five glorious decades turning every appearance into proof that improvisation, character work, and pure imagination could destroy an audience faster than any punchline.

 for making Carson laugh until he cried to turning Dean Martin into the straight man. These moments showed that Winters invented comedy faster than anyone could follow. Which Jonathan Winters moment made you laugh the hardest? and subscribe for more legendary comedy that never gets