Rodney Dangerfield’s FUNNIEST Jokes On Johnny Carson – ht

 

 

 

I got all kinds of problems, Johnny. My daughter got pregnant from eating chicken. It was fingerlicking good and one thing led to another.  Rodney Dangerfield’s rapid fire oneliners about his terrible life made Johnny Carson laugh harder than almost any other comedian.  At my age, I want two girls at once.

 You know, if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to.  What’s new with [laughter] you? These are Rodney Dangerfield’s funniest jokes on Johnny Carson. The workaholic father.  I’m working very hard. Yeah.  Well, you know, my father, he was a workaholic. Really? Oh, yeah. You mentioned work. He got drunk.

 I did.  When I finally solved my drinking problem, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous.  Yeah. I still drink. I use a different name. That’s all. [laughter] And  I tell you, my problem is that I drink too much. Way too much. I gave my doctor a urine specimen. There was an olive in it. [laughter] He flips the expected hardworking dad compliment, saying, “My father was a workaholic.

 You mentioned work, he got drunk.” Johnny said, “That reversal hit so fast the audience  didn’t see it coming.” The interrupted husband.  But I’ll tell you what, my wife does have she screams, “Oh, especially when I walk in on her.”  Now you’re kidding. I know my wife cheats on me. Every time I come home, the parrot says, “Quick, out the window.

” You know, [laughter] in my house, my house, I can’t relax for you. I got my I got a dog. He drives me nuts. I got a dumb dog, you We call him Egypt. Every room he leaves a pyramid. [laughter]  He sets it up like a typical bedroom joke, then hits with my wife screams during intimacy, especially if I walk in on her.

 Carson cracked up saying, “Rodney made himself the loser in one clean punch.” The Cliff Runner.  Oh, my wife took a driver’s test. She was happy. He’s got 18 out of 20. Yeah, two guys jumped out of the way.  It starts like sweet fatherly advice about getting a kite in the air, then becomes, “He told me to run off a cliff.

” Johnny laughed, saying, “The visual is so absurd it feels like a cartoon.” The waterbed corpse.  I tell you, I don’t get a break with nothing. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two to one, I don’t make it.  He pumps up the tough neighborhood premise, then tags it with, “I bought a water bed. I found a guy at the bottom of it.

” Carson said that punchline is specific enough to picture  instantly the frozen wife.  My wife calls it a Dead Sea. [laughter]  Hey, I figured out I’m have twice a year. Yeah. He turns a simple, “My wife is cold.”  insult into her side of the water bed is frozen. Johnny told friends, “One sentence, one image, one clean escalation.

” That’s Rodney, the bridge club jumper. [laughter] I mean, last week my wife, she signed me up for a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I mean, last week was rough. Are you kidding? Last week I looked up my family tree. Two dogs were using it. He takes a normal my wife signed me up setup and detonates it with perfect delivery. The denied request.

[laughter]  I mean the other night I told her I said don’t laugh behind my back. She said I won’t. The funny stuff’s on the other side. [applause]  It’s a perfect married couple power flip where he says don’t laugh behind my back. She said she’ll laugh wherever she wants. Carson laughed saying Rodney loses twice.

 Once in the request and again in the response. The doctor on hold.  My doctor, he don’t help either. You know, Dr. Vidy Bumb.  How’s he doing?  I called up last week. I told him I had diarrhea. Put me on hold.  I’m talking too much. Got a lovely young lady back there once. I’ll hear what she has to say. [laughter]  He takes a gross problem saying, “I told my doctor I got diarrhea.

 He put me on hold.  Okay.  Oh, Death, where is thy sting? [laughter]  Oh, you’re going into the classics now, huh?  Well, don’t you know your Shakespeare?  Certainly.  Oh, Debette said that, didn’t he?  I think it was uh Nikki Puppice who said that.  Pumpise.  He’s my lawyer, though. Good lawyer. Very good lawyer.

 He had a rape charge reduced to tailgating.  The punch is how casually the disrespect happens like it’s normal for Rodney. Johnny tries keeping composure, but fails. Carson told his staff. Only Rodney could make being put on hold that funny. The audience screams at the absurdity. Rodney’s delivery sells the humiliation perfectly.

  Johnny said the doctor doesn’t even pretend to care. The joke works because everyone’s been put on hold. Rodney makes medical indifference hilarious. The nobody home disaster.  Oh, how a pretty girl. You  No, girls. I got a new line. You know  what’s that?  Oh, I go out with a girl. I just whispered gently in her ear, I got a gun.

[laughter]  That That wins them over, does it? Oh yeah. Now I tell you what, girls. I’m never lucky. Johnny never. You know that cuz I went out and bought an inflatable girl. I got a pregnant. A  He sets up a classic. This sounds promising invitation with a girl phoned me and said, “Come on over.

 Nobody’s home. I went over. Nobody was home. It collapses into pure loneliness with the literal payoff.”  Well, this morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the fool of the loom guys giggling.  Always been that way.  Never get girls. Never get girls. Johnny doubles over laughing at how stupid simple it is.

 Carson said the punchline is brutally honest. Rodney’s face sells the disappointment. The audience loves how relatable the disaster feels. Johnny told friends, “Only Rodney could turn a potential hookup into total failure.” The joke proves Rodney can’t win even when it looks good. Carson keeps giggling after the punchline lands.

 The psychiatrist List.  I’m like the rest of men in my family. They weren’t smart. They were dumb. But my Swiss uncle got the danger field. He got a job as a yodeler. He forgot the lyrics. Yo yo yo yo. Hey hey hey you.  He frames it like a confession saying I told my wife I was seeing a psychiatrist.

 She said she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.  Told me to wear a brown necktie. [laughter] I’ll tell you, last week was a rough week for me. I broke up my psychiatrist, too. He told me I’m going crazy. I said to him, “If you don’t mind, like a second opinion.” He said, “All right, you’re ugly, too.” The laugh is the speed of the escalation and absurd specificity.

 Johnny barely gets through the setup before cracking up. Carson told his staff she’s living an entire sitcom behind his back. The list gets funnier with each profession.  Rodney’s timing makes the escalation perfect. Johnny said, “Two plumbers is what kills me.” The joke shows Rodney’s wife has a fuller life than him.

 Carson appreciates how the  specifics make it land harder. The tooth counter. [laughter]  My wife, I go for a fortune. Every night I eat out. You can’t cook. She’s the worst cook in the world. I tell you, my house after dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them. [laughter] He turns a normal insult into my wife’s a lousy cook after dinner.

 I don’t brush my teeth, I count them. It’s mean clean and ends on a perfect final word. The audience screams at the visual.  You know the trouble with me? I appeal to everyone who can do me absolutely no good. [laughter]  I tell you the truth, I don’t get no respect from anyone, you know. Well, the other day I went into McDonald’s.

 They told me I don’t deserve a break.  Carson said counting teeth is such a Rodney detail. Rodney sells the disgust in his delivery. Johnny keeps laughing through  the next setup. The joke proves Rodney’s wife can’t do anything right. Carson told friends the punchline word is chef’s kiss.

 Rodney’s face shows genuine suffering. Johnny appreciates the economy of the joke. The crowd loves how specific the  image is. Carson said, “You can picture him counting.” Rodney makes bad cooking sound life-threatening.  The motel caller, I tell you, I’m all right now, but last week I was in rough shape, you know. Yeah.

 Last week my wife cracked up the car. She hit a deer. It was in a zoo. [laughter] Oh, my wife took her driver’s test. She was happy. You got 18 out of 20. Yeah, two guys jumped out of the way. I don’t know. I’m sorry.  He pretends it’s a quirky bedroom detail with my wife likes to talk during intimacy  last night.

 She called me from a motel. The laugh comes from the sudden realization the whole setup was a trap.  I tell you what, my wife, there’s always something, you know. Well, the other day I called her up. I said, “Well, honey, I’ve been thinking about the last time we had I’m getting.” She said, “Who is this?” [laughter] Johnny doesn’t see it coming and explodes.

 Carson told  his staff Rodney waited until the last second to reveal he’s not even there. The audience screams louder with each word. Rodney’s face shows zero surprise like it’s normal. Hey, my wife got no either. Just when I get going, she wakes up. [laughter] I mean, the other night I told her, I said, “Don’t laugh behind my back.

” She said, “I won’t. The funny stuff’s on the other side. [applause] Rodney makes you laugh at his pain. Carson’s visible shock makes it funnier. The joke became instantly legendary. Johnny told his staff, “Play that clip forever.” Rodney proves marriage is his best material. Carson said, “Nobody does self-deprecation better.

” The audience relates to the nightmare scenario. Johnny keeps referencing it throughout the show. Rodney’s dead pan sells the tragedy perfectly.  Carson told friends, “That joke is Rodney in one sentence.” The 20-year twist.  There’s a diamond a traffic cop. Been a traffic cop for 20 years. Johnny can’t forget he’s a traffic cop.

 Takes his work home with him. It’s ridiculous. Makes love to his wife. He tells her to pull over.  Well, that’s is that’s bad. That’s bad. That’s what you mean.  It’s very bad. [laughter] I  But as long as you have your health, I suppose the most important thing. You know that, Johnny. Health. I mean, you mentioned before, but tennis.

 You know, you got to cut out tennis for a while. Tennis is very good. When you get back in shape, play tennis. It’s very good. I don’t play tennis. I can’t play tennis.  I’m not the tennis type, you know.  Yeah.  Tennis, you got to be rich and come from Connecticut, you know.  Hi, we’re taking dad’s car. That’s dues.

You know, I can’t  [laughter]  It’s the shortest possible marriage joke with my wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. The timing is everything because the punchline is just three words that reframe the whole sentence. Johnny almost falls out of his chair. The audience needs a second to process then explodes.

 Rodney’s expression shows he knew it would kill. Johnny said three words, then we met. That’s genius. The joke proves less is more with perfect timing. Carson keeps repeating it to himself. Rodney makes marriage sound like a horrible mistake. Johnny told friends, “That’s the best marriage joke ever.

”  The crowd screams at the simplicity. Carson said, “The reversal is so clean.” Rodney’s delivery gives the punchline room to breathe. Johnny appreciates the economy of language. The joke shows Rodney’s entire marriage in 12 words. Johnny keeps laughing between segments. Rodney’s timing makes a simple joke legendary.

 Carson told friends, “Rodney is a oneliner machine. The joke works every single time.” The name changer.  Well, I finally solved my drinking problem. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, didn’t you? Yeah, I still drink. I use a different name, that’s all. [laughter] [applause] Good job. Now,  I tell you, my problem is, I drink too much. Way too much.

 I gave my doctor a urine specimen. There was an olive in it. [laughter]  He sells it like a proud self-improvement update with I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink. I just use a different name. It’s funny because the solution is pure word play and pure denial. Johnny loses control, laughing.

 Carson told his staff, “Rodney changed nothing, but pretends he fixed it.” The audience screams at the absurdity. Rodney’s face shows pride in his fake solution. Johnny said, “That’s the most Rodney thing ever.” The joke proves Rodney can’t even quit drinking,  right? Rodney proves he’ll never change.

 Carson said, “That’s why we love him.” The audience relates to avoiding real solutions. Johnny keeps referencing it later. Rodney’s dead pan makes the denial funnier. Carson told friends, “Rodney found comedy and alcoholism. The joke works on multiple levels simultaneously. Johnny said, “That’s brilliant and terrible.” Rodney makes you laugh at rock bottom, the dog kisser.

 My dog drives me nuts. My dog. He wants me to mate him. I wouldn’t m him. Let him go through what I go through. [laughter]  I mean, last week was rough. Are you kidding? Last week I looked up my family tree. Two dogs were using it. [laughter]  He builds the joke on unfair logic with my wife kisses the dog on the lips.

 Yet she won’t drink from my glass.  My dog, too. She gives me trouble.  Your dog?  Yeah. Yeah. I got a female dog, you know. I tried to mate her. She wants 50 biscuits. [applause] [applause] [cheering]  Female is a female no matter what the species, right?  Every every day there’s something, Johnny.

 You know, today’s been a terrible day. Terrible day.  The punch is that the humiliation feels oddly relatable, even when exaggerated. My wife, I got no like the dog. He’s watching me in the bedroom once I learned how to beg. [laughter] I’m told to watch my wife. I learned how to roll over and play dead. Johnny loses it at the comparison.

Carson told his staff, “The dog gets affection, he gets disgusted. The audience screams at how specific it is.” Rodney’s wounded expression sells it perfectly. Johnny said, “That’s so wrong, but so funny.” The joke shows Rodney ranks below a dog. Carson keeps giggling after it lands. Rodney makes marital rejection hilarious.

 Johnny told friends, “The lips detail makes it worse.” The crowd relates to feeling second best. Carson said only Rodney could make that work. Rodney’s timing lets the absurdity breathe. Johnny appreciates the clean structure. The joke proves Rodney can’t compete with pets. Carson told his producers that that’s vintage Rodney.

 The specificity  makes the image stick. Johnny said, “I keep picturing it.” Rodney’s deadpan delivery enhances the ridiculousness. Carson knows this joke will get replayed forever. The unfair logic resonates with everyone. Johnny told his staff, “Rodney found poetry in rejection. The comparison gets funnier the more you think about it.

 Carson’s laughter encourages the audience. Rodney makes you feel sorry for him while laughing. Johnny said that’s his superpower.” The joke became a Tonight Show classic instantly. Rodney Dangerfield proved that nobody could turn personal misery into comedy gold quite like he could. His rapid fire oneliners and perfect timing made him a Tonight Show legend who Johnny Carson booked over  and over.

 Which Rodney joke do you think was the funniest? Let us know in the comments. And don’t forget to subscribe for more legendary funny